I'm going to back track a bit to a couple weeks ago. Jim came home from work at his normal time and immediately went upstairs. This isn't unusual because he often takes a shower right away. Some time passed, however, and I didn't hear anything and so I went up to check on him. He was in bed completely sacked out. Needless to say, I woke him and said, "WTF?" I assumed he would get up. He didn't. I went up a little later and tried again. Nothing. Finally, around 6:00 as I was getting dinner ready, I went up again and made sure he got out of bed. It was so weird because he was completely out of it. So disoriented. I had to tell him it was 6 PM not 6 AM. Anyway, that happened.
Something else that's been happening a bit lately is I've seen on the bank statement that Jim's been having lunch out during the day. Over the last week, I saw 2 places. What's weird is that he'll take his lunch so why then is he stopping somewhere, supposedly for lunch? I've also seen a couple of stops at our local mini mart.
Then yesterday (Monday), when I left work, I checked to see if Jim was home yet (I'd talked to him earlier and he wasn't going to have a full day). Checking Life 360 I saw he was at Shooters. After getting home and seeing he was still there, I sent a text saying, "How's Shooter? I hope you didn't eat lunch this late." And then I started getting ready to walk Scout. I was changing when I suddenly heard a ruckus out front and saw Boo standing on the bed watching out the window, wagging his tail. I thought Oh good, Jim's home. And I looked out and saw Jim had driven his truck into the ditch to the side of our driveway and completely run over the trash can and recycling bin. In the street just behind our driveway, witnessing this was my neighbor Jessica who'd just gotten home.
Needless to say, I freaked out and I knew immediately what was going on. I ran downstairs and headed into the garage when I heard and saw a crash. Jim had backed his truck into the house. Into the garage, damaging it to the point where I couldn't get it up. I raced outside through the front door and found Jim stumbling out of his truck. Wasted. Slurring his words. Having now idea that he just rammed into the house.
It's pointless now to tell you everything that happened afterward. To tell you about the text message from my neighbor who was checking to see if everything was okay; to see if Jim was okay, thinking he'd had an "episode". (I mean, really, I'm sure she was well aware of what was happening...what the "episode" was.) It's pointless to tell you that Jim doesn't remember any of this and that once he sobered up a bit, he was so sorry. It's pointless to tell you that Jim's been having these secret little binges for about a month now. It's pointless to tell you that I'm so sick of "I'm sorry."
What I will say is that Jim is obviously struggling and though I'm surprised about how it's recently manifested itself, I'm not surprised it's finally tipped the scales. When you look at everything that he's gone through these past 10 years, is it a wonder?
Here's what I will say: When we talked last evening, I didn't yell. In fact, I wasn't angry (although I did warn him that I'm sure that anger would rear it's ugly head at some point). I'm sad. I'm sad that Jim feels so sad and unhappy and at a loss and lost. I feel like I have all the support I could ask for but maybe Jim doesn't feel he has that. I know he knows I support him but I also know he doesn't like to burden me. I don't think Jim understands his feelings. I think he masks over things so much and doesn't know how to deal with the hand he's been dealt.
All of this to say, 1) Jim will not be drinking. He's promised me that and really, I don't think it was about the drinking. It was about forgetting and masking a bigger issue. Health issues, work, etc. 2) Jim has already called his doctor to get a referral for a therapist. I would imagine that it isn't so uncommon for someone with his amount of health issues to go through this type of struggle and hopefully Jim can find someone who can help him find a way to unpack his baggage.
Originally, I wasn't going to go to PIB this weekend but I'm thinking I might. I'm still not sure. I don't trust Jim right now and I need reassurances that he won't do what he did again because next time it might not just be the garage door that gets damaged.
So there you have it. This is my life and as usual, I'll deal with it. I don't feel sorry for myself (well, maybe I have a little pity party for me when I'm alone or boo hooing on the phone with Maggie). I will, Jim and I will get through this and maybe be stronger for it? And maybe the gods up there will stop throwing shit at me all the fucking time. It's getting so old!
So I wrote that yesterday and am now sitting here on Wednesday and things are settling down. Unfortunately, we need a new garage door ($2700 later) but the PDQ guy was able to make it operational. Of course that will take about a month to order and come in. Jim and I continued talking last night...just trying to riddle out what's happening with him. Again, I'm not berating him, just trying to help him figure this out. Jim is not drinking and you know I'm keeping an eagle eye on that. I don't think he even wants to drink because again, it wasn't about that. He really wants me to go to PIB but there will have to be some "rules" for that to happen. I can't constantly be worrying about him while away.
And that's what's what here in the Hanke household. And now I need to get to work and finish out this school year. Happy Wednesday...today is a new day. Thanks for all the texts yesterday asking me if I was okay and letting me know how much support I have. Later!
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