Just Awful

I'm writing this on Wednesday night because I just don't want to write it to start my day tomorrow. I'm just so sad. 

So Jim and I were getting ready for dinner Wednesday - leftovers. I was making my meal and told him he was on his own. Jim had just finished his shower, had gotten dressed and came back downstairs. His cell phone rang and I said, "Your phone is ringing." He missed getting it because of course, he's a turtle. When he checked the caller ID, he said, "It was Doug...huh." And I looked outside and said, "He's on his way over." So Jim went outside and met him on the driveway.  I heard him talking and then I saw Doug walking away, back to his own house and I thought, That's weird. He usually hangs for a bit.  

And then Jim came inside and said, "Lauren's nephew, Ben, just took his own life." There are no words. I'm just so sad. I'm just so heartbroken for Lauren and her family. For Tori and Donnie, Ben's parents. I cannot think of anything worse. 

Tori and Donnie are people that I've gotten to know a bit over the last few years through get togethers here in the circle or meeting up at local bars with Doug and Lauren (they live in Loveland as well).  The one thing I knew about them right away was they are proud parents. Their son, Ben, was everything to them. He had just graduated from Loveland HS (having been a football and lacrosse player) and they had high hopes for his future. It was wide open with so many possibilities. He was still trying to figure out which path to take but his future was so bright and wide open. And then this. 

So many questions come up in a situation like this - even from someone like me who is far away from the people involved. For instance, How did this happen? Was there depression? What is happening in an 18/19 year-olds life that this is the answer?  

I have a hard time understanding suicide because I'm a coward and would never have the nerve but I understand that for some people, it is the only answer. Whether it be as a spontaneous solution to a seemingly unsolvable problem (David) or a planned answer to a long drawn out depression (Jim's friend John). For some it's the answer and I guess it's easy. But it isn't easy for those left behind and that's why it makes me so sad. 

It makes me think about myself at his age and I remember back to that time in my life when the only people I knew who had died were grandparents. I didn't know anyone who had died tragically like that . It wasn't until I was WAYYYYY older that those experiences touched me. And now? Now, as a teacher of high school students, I feel like every year, there's a kid who's killed himself (yes, all male). Now as a teacher, I have kids from years past dying from drug overdoses or other tragic events and I don't understand this world anymore! 

But suicide just seems worse. It is worse. I feel like it's a battle that can't be fought. Because it seems that by the time people know that they need to enter the battle, it's too late. Those fighting are already dead and by the time you enter the battle's been fought and the victims can't be saved. 

What a helpless feeling. Nothing to be said except that I'm just so sad. 

I'm sorry...this was a totally depressing way to start a day. I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could be that person who could give all her time helping people in need. I'll say it again...helpless and sad. Sorry. 

Best go. If you have kids...hug them or send them a virtual hug and make sure they know how many people love them and how many people would walk through fire to take away their pain if they're suffering. K - later.