Pity Party

So here’s the thing: I had a tough night last night. I don’t know why. I was in tears and sad and depressed and felt like I had the weight, a pile of shit really, on my shoulders and I just needed to cry, which of course I did. But it wasn’t the normal “woe-is-me” cry…not a jagging, uncontrollable cry. No…it was like my eyes were just leaking. Literally my eyes were just streaming tears…down my face. (Thankfully Boo was there to kiss them away. I love that boy!)

It started at dinner. Jim didn’t eat very well. In my opinion it was a delicious meal. We had sticky garlic and soy chicken with couscous and zucchini in the air fryer with homegrown sliced tomatoes on the side. It was delicious, I thought. But of course Jim didn’t eat well. So I said, “What’s the problem?” and he said, “I guess I didn’t like the vinegar.” Ugh! So I ignored that and I said, as I was doing the dishes “Please go put the grill cover on the grill.” So he did and as I watched him walk out on the deck, slowly, like an old man I thought, What the hell? Why does he always look like every breath, every step, every everything is a freaking struggle? And then he walked in the house, and he said, “Brrrrr! it’s freezing!” I said, “It’s not fucking cold! It’s hot! It’s 95° outside and probably 80° inside, it’s not cold! Jesus fucking Christ. Quit acting like you’re an old man who needs piles of layers on and mittens!” And he knew right away - he’s not a total imbecile - that something was amiss. He knew I was losing my shit. And he apologized profusely and looked at me like I was nuts (which at the time I might've been). And so I went upstairs to try and deal with my (not his) shit.

And I’ll pause here and say I’m sorry. I know I’m an asshole. For better or for worse…I know. But sometimes I just think, How did I get here? I’m 50 years old…I’m still thriving and active and want to do things - climb a mountain, ride a bike, walk down the street, preferably with my partner. But my husband? He can barely walk. He can’t go a day without napping. It’s so frustrating. Sometimes I feel like I’m married to an invalid. And I love him so much and I know he’s sick; And usually I'm fairly patient and I know he’s struggling but these are real feelings I’m feeling! And sometimes I get overwhelmed and just blow.

And so tonight I was just down. I was down on myself and the circumstances that we've been dealing with lately. And I want Jim to feel better and I know he wants that too. And I don’t want to feel this way but it’s normal and I know it and I’ve just got to power through and be there for him. I just get the blues sometimes. And I lose my shit.

The good thing about all this is that I’m pretty sure he was oblivious to my tears and frustration (aside from my initial blowup). I don’t want him to feel bad considering what he’s recovering from and dealing with on a day to day basis. And we’ll talk and I’ll voice my need for him to step up and be a better communicator and do less old-man shit. But I needed to get control of my feelings because my tears would only serve to make him feel bad and sad and he doesn’t need that.

And now I feel better. The pity party is over. So, sorry about the emotional post. I did not want to lay this all on Jim so you're the lucky ones. Sometimes a girl just needs to vent and cry without someone trying to fix it…or feel bad.

I'm off...time to get ready for work. Happy Thursday! I'll be happy when tomorrow is in the books and I'm smack dab at the beginning of the weekend. K - Later!