I'm feeling much calmer of late. It might be the yoga that I've started (30-day yoga challenge...we'll see) and it might be...well, we can't say it's the alcohol since that isn't new. Let's just say it's perspective and a bit of settling in.
One thing that has been a challenge in my ability to stay calm recently, is the pups. They have been giving me fits lately. Maybe they understand that things aren't quite right at home (with Jimmy being out of sorts) and Mommy's demeanor is slightly off. In fact, they have been pretty large pills lately. Why? Fighting. A lot of fighting. And not the playing around, having fun, chasing each other, biting tails and backs and ears and cheeks and paws (how they don't cry more I don't know). It's an "I want to kill you" fight! A "You're not my brother, you're my nemesis" fight. And it isn't they kind of scuffle that I can let them work out on their own either (which I usually let them do) because they just keep at it...or it happens in their shared nighttime cage (that was bad). UGH! In the past its usually Boo being jealous or over Scout's energy or something fairly minor. But lately, it's different and I'm trying to figure it out. I do try to keep them from situations that will instigate such an issue but sometimes it's something I'm not aware of (I don't speak puppy). One thing I know won't happen anymore is they will be sleeping separately at night from now on (although we all slept together last night in bed and it was fine (though it was a Mommy sandwich and I didn't get a ton of sleep). This too shall pass, however, and we'll all figure it out.
Jim update: He's VERY emotional. I'm not sure exactly what it is but I'm sure it has a lot to do with being holed up in a hospital day in and day out with very little personal contact. Of course he sees a lot of people (nurses and docs and PCAs and the people that visit - those do him a world of good and thank you Dad, Becky and Trippy) but the whole situation leaves him yearning for more. Yesterday for instance, I had brought some lotion to use on his feet and legs (you can't imagine what his feet look like due to edema...they are nearly unrecognizable as feet) because he's so ashy. And as I started putting lotion on him and rubbing it in and massaging his feet I noticed he was crying (he does that a lot...usually when I walk in the door everyday) and he said it's just so nice to have that personal touch...to have someone touch him without a needle in his/her hand or a blood pressure cuff. And then of course I cry. UGH! And then he called me this morning and when I answered his call, he started crying. He seems to think it's the new med he's on but I think it's just the situation he's in. I can't WAIT for him to be home!
So I'm still not sure about when he'll get out. I'm hoping tomorrow, but I have a feeling it won't be until Tuesday. I keep having this overwhelming feeling of guilt (for my kids and colleagues) about not being there but then I think if they were in my position and understood what was happening would I blame them for doing what I'm doing an taking the time for their loved one? No! Absolutely not! In the long run, what's the most important thing in my life? My husband and family and I would do anything for them.
Okay well, today I plan on a pretty early visit and day with Jim. I do need a bit of a break for some down time. I'm going to go take a shower and then head to Panera to get Jim a nice lunch (he wants some salad and soup). I'll stay at the hospital until around 12:30 and then head home for some football. And that's what my day will be. Tomorrow will be more of the same as the last week. Or maybe Jim will come home! Fingers crossed.
K - happy Sunday...happy playoff day...later!
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